Shark Week

For this post, I decided it’s time to get real about the SUCK that is MENSTRUATION.

AKA.. Your Period… That time of the month… Aunt Flo… Shark Week… The Rag… Crimson Wave… Eve’s Punishment… “It’s you and your hand tonight, honey”… False Alarm… or my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE…”The reason you’re overreacting and being super sensitive.”

SO I JUST NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT, RIGHT?

Go suck a bag of dicks.

Menstruation: (men-STRAY-shuhn) is a woman’s monthly bleeding. When you menstruate, your body sheds the lining of the uterus (womb). Menstrual blood flows from the uterus through the small opening in the cervix and passes out of the body through the vagina (see how the menstrual cycle works below). Most menstrual periods last from 3 to 5 days.

That is the womenshealth.gov definition of our “SHARK WEEK”… They make it sound so tame and ladylike.

OH, BUT WAIT… IT GETS BETTER.

What is a typical menstrual period like?
During your period, you shed the thickened uterine lining and extra blood through the vagina. Your period may not be the same every month. It may also be different than other women’s periods. Periods can be light, moderate, or heavy in terms of how much blood comes out of the vagina. This is called menstrual flow. The length of the period also varies. Most periods last from 3 to 5 days. But, anywhere from 2 to 7 days is normal.

For the first few years after menstruation begins, longer cycles are common. A woman’s cycle tends to shorten and become more regular with age. Most of the time, periods will be in the range of 21 to 35 days apart.

Horse shit.

My Revisions to the FAQ section:

What is menstruation?
Well boys and girls, menstruation is when a female gains 10 pounds of water weight and bloats out like a Thanksgiving Day balloon all while World War 3 commences in her pants. OH. I ALMOST FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. If you ask ANY man walking down the street, they will also tell you that it makes us irrational monster bitches from the black lagoon.

 

Hey buddy! Let me see you answer stupid fucking questions while WATERFALLS and BLOBS of blood are trying to escape your body.

I SAID GODDAMN BLOBS. 

ON TOP OF THAT, the lady is having LITERAL contractions, no, not LABOR contractions, her uterus is contracting to shed the GODDAMN WALL OF BLOOD that has built up preparing to carry THE FUTURE OF THIS FUCKING COUNTRY.

You’re welcome, America.

What is a typical menstrual period like?
Your body is your temple, but it also takes any chance it can get to betray you in the worst possible way. Did you laugh a little bit too hard at that joke and feel a sudden “gush“?

Oh yeah.

This is why granny panties are a must, VS panties are too expensive to sacrifice to the Blood Gods.

FYI… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LET ON THAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ALL OF THESE AMAZING, HORRIBLE, MAKE YOU WANNA JUMP OFF A 10 STORY BUILDING THINGS. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE IT’S NOT HAPPENING. NO ONE MUST KNOW OR SUSPECT.

This is TOP SECRET shit.

I just bled through my favorite pair of panties and have a goddamn towel in my pants, but don’t you worry. I’ll be sure to make sure YOU feel comfortable.  Let me just wrap this sweater around my waist like a 90’s boy band groupie and continue getting shit done for you while I bleed 10 more gallons of blood out of my vagina.

FUCK. YOU. #mood

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Musical Inspiration: