Don’t Call it a Comeback!

I’ve been here for years!tenor

YAYYYY!!! Anyways, today’s post will be short and sweet.

I accidentally peed on my pants today. How, you ask? By hovering over the toilet and somehow my stream went wonky… and… just… shenanigans. LONG STORY SHORT, I AM THE BUTT OF THE UNIVERSE’S JOKE.

ayne


ANYWAYSSSS….

Today I made some fun stick figure avatars for my friends.. That’s really all I’m here to share today… So forget you know anything about the pee. MMKAY?! THAT’S NOT PEE YOU SMELL! IT’S WEIRD CITRUS!!! GO AWAY!!!

ENJOY!

Jessica’s had to be done twice because her first one looks so bitchy and mean! Bahahaha!

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I ADORE MINDY KALING AND YOU SHOULD TOO

Mindy is everything.

After spending the past 24 hours writing 2,500 words about how The Mindy Project challenges narrow media representations of gender, femininity and beauty you’d think I’d be sick of writing about her. You are mistaken! This post isn’t PR related in any way, shape or form – just simply me declaring my love for Mindy Kaling.

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During my research (which wasn’t really research – just me watching re-runs of my favourite TV Show and reading her interviews) I found this great excerpt from her book Why Not Me? published in Cosmopolitian.

If you have the time its worth a read and I promise I will be back to PR related posts now I’ve met my final deadline!

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Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Dew Drop’s life story up to now:

The day she was born, Dew Drop was destined to be awful. Just a shit stain on society.

She’s the Dark Lord Sauron to your hobbit. She’s the humidity to your newly straightened hair. She’s the dog shit on your brand new shoes. She’s the demon to your exorcism. THIS WOMAN… Is the worst.

On the day she was born, the biggest twister ever recorded in the history of the United States hit her home state of Alaska… The average number of tornadoes to hit the state of Alaska in the last 100 years is 1. That’s a fact. People in her hometown believe that the tornado was there to prevent Dew Drop from clawing her way into this world. Unfortunately, not even Mother Nature could keep that dragon out.

People still wonder to this day if she was summoned up from the bowels of Hell by the town drunk during one of his ramblings. (He is actually the local Roman Catholic Priest, his ramblings were Latin verses, she was born to a nice enough family, it’s just… she’s the worst.)

Angus and Franny Ferlover were a poor, but loving family. All they ever wanted was a child of their own to love and raise and cherish… Until they got her. Then, they wanted to send her back.

Dew Drop’s birth name is Cathandra Luci Ferlover, born June 6th of some year, no one is sure, 15 pounds 6 ounces (whoof).  With the big tornado tearing through Alaska, Franny had to give birth without the aid of modern medicine, she aged 20 years that day and ripped from her V to her A… This made her bitter. Very bitter.

When Angus realized what the ripping from the V to the A would mean for him… He too became bitter.

Cathandra cried constantly… but her cry wasn’t a normal, annoying baby cry… It was… a demon howl…. It would start with a deep gurgle, then transform into a screech, and finally land at a maniacal werewolf howl. The Ferlover’s had to move out of town because no one could get any sleep. Doctors had never seen anything like it.

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Obviously all of that was a ridiculous lie. Except the awful part. She is awful.

Cathandra Marigold Hoffman was born a normal, loud, adorable baby… To normal loving and supportive parents… Had a wonderful family dog… Lived in the suburbs of Vermont (still no tornadoes) and had a lovely upper-middle class childhood.

But so did Agatha Trunchbull.trunchbullI’m just sayin’.

Cathandra decided at the age of 16 that she was going to be a movie star… Her inspiration was Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

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She was in awe of Glenn Close’s character, the way she never gave up on a man… That wasn’t hers to begin with.

Your guy goes back to his wife? Call him CONSTANTLY. Show up at work. Show up at family outings. Tell him you are PREGNANT. (you’re not)

He called you a stalker and told you to leave him alone? Okay… Playing hard to get, but it’s just a small obstacle to overcome for love. Boil his family bunny.

Did that have the opposite effect of making him run into your arms? No problem. Don’t give up. It’s all about P E R S E V E R E N C E. You have to show up to his house all CRAZY TOWN and commit wholeheartedly to the murder suicide route! IF YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. NO ONE CAN.

That’s love.

And that’s how she felt about show business.

I forgot to mention that she fell asleep before the wife shot Glenn Close. So, in her mind, Glenn Close was the protagonist of that story.

FAST FORWARD 2 DAYS -> -> ->

With a dream in her heart and a sparkle in her eye Cathandra stole all the cash from her parent’s underwear drawer, left a note that said, “C U NEVR PORE PPL” on the kitchen counter, walked to a bus station and took the first bus to HOLLYWOOD!

The first thing she did when she arrived was spend most of her cash taking a cab to the HOLLYWOOD sign, “Oh GEE mister! Here’s 100 bucks! Take me to the Hollywood sign so I can become a STAR just like Glenn Close!”… She thought this was where all the famous people did their acting jobs and naturally, that’s where she needed to be for her big break.

After standing up there for 3 hours waiting for a famous director to come by and offer her a role in a movie, she realized that maybe this was the wrong place. She tried to walk back down, but was almost eaten by a Mountain Lion, the only reason she wasn’t was because a Nighttime Yoga by the Moon class that happened to be driving by.

Not much is known about Cathandra in the following year, I’m sure it’s a tragic tale of casting couches and angel dust, but I don’t really care.

FAST FORWARD 25 YEARS -> -> ->

Cathandra found herself broke and unable to book work.

She actually booked a Herpex commercial, the hot new herpes cream, but the money wasn’t good, and after that people only thought of her as Herpex girl.

Like many ImGonnaBeaMovieStarSoTheresNoPointInLearningAnyOtherLifeSkills women with the Hollywood dream, she was forced to turn to stripping to make ends meet, because there was absolutely no other choice… Accepting defeat and going home to finish high school or get a GED was simply ridiculous… Becoming a waitress and working a second job was out of the question, and DO NOT  even mention the possibility of signing up on http://www.JobsJobsandMoreNonStripperJobs.com** BC SHE IS ABOVE THAT. SHE IS AN ACTRESS.

**You have our 100% guarantee of finding a job that has nothing to do with the sex trade industry! KEEP YOUR DIGNITY. <<–Actual slogan.

Her stripper song was ‘I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman’, made famous by Britney Spears… Ironically, a woman who became a famous stripper of sorts.

One evening, the Producer of a new show called The Bachelor was in her club. She heard who he was from the bouncer and immediately  rushed over to his table to get some face time! “THIS IS IT!” She thought to herself!

Unfortunately for her, she was not a transvestite Asian named Kiko……… butttttttttt, unfortunately for him, she was fueled by the passion of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and secured footage of him in the club. (the wife who didn’t sign a pre-nup wouldn’t like that one bit… or maybe she would)

FAST FORWARD 3 MONTHS -> -> ->

If you ask around, all the stories are different… Some say it was an act of witch craft, the Producer says it was blackmail, and she says it was PURE TALENT, but Cathandra secured a spot on The Bachelor! She played the old, bitchy villain, a part that came to her naturally, and for 6 months she was ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

The world loves to hate a villain. villain
OMAROSA.

Until it ended. Of course she didn’t win. That would be crazy.

Her 15 minutes was up.

FAST FORWARD 6 MONTHS -> -> ->

Cathandra ends up at Wonderland Studios! No one knows how… The general consensus is that it was some old Native American curse that was set loose when they bought up the land  to expand Wonderland Studios. But, most likely it was that old Producer getting her the HELL out of his city. (one last favor to obtain the original copy of his wild night with Kiko).

Who knows. Who cares? All we know is that she has been there since.

————————————————————————–

***I was exercising some major frustration with her backstory, if you were offended or confused in anyway… Then I did my job.

A Plague on Both Your Houses

Cold. Flu. Stomach bugs.

Happy New Year Peasant Workers!

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The Empire has been back at work for 4 DAYS and we are already in crisis. Some maniacal scheme has been set in motion and has taken out 3 of our best already! 4 DAYS INTO THE FREAKING NEW YEAR AND I HAD TO USE A SICK DAY!!!!

This is why I am here today… Dying. Sanitizing. Checking WebMD for deadly illnesses. Looking up bridges I can live under. Imagining walking right up to Dictator Ass-Hat and announcing, “LOOK HERE! I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER! NO AMOUNT OF GALACTIC DOLLARS IS WORTH THIS. MY BRAIN IS TURNING INTO GOO. THE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS OF THIS SPACE STATION ARE KILLING ME!!!”

Coming back to reality… Is it possible to be tap into some crazy superpower when you’re sick and have the ability to slow time? I think I have accidentally slowed time down… I need to find the “undo” button.

You can’t get high on the daytime cold stuff, right? I am feeling Fruit Loops loopy.

I haven’t had wine in 2 days because I have been taking the night time cold medicine… I like to ease into my buzz… That stuff just hits you like a Mack truck and you’re out for 8-10 hours. It’s really starting to cut into my TV time.

My roommate went home with what looks like a stomach bug today… I told her to sanitize anything she touches and stay away from me. I do feel bad for her… But, I care about me more. (SorryNotSorry Shelbs!)

So you see? This is what I’m up against… GERMS at work and GERMS at home. I’m not safe ANYWHERE.