The Tale of Arac

Today I thought I would share a story written by a dear friend of mine… It had everything you could want in a story… Magic, intrigue, betrayal… It’s quite juicy.

So without further ado…

THE TALE OF ARAC

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a legend. Her name, was Arac. Arac was the talk of the land because all of the munchkins that lived there had never seen a girl that tall. arac1

 

They all idolized her. Arac was a giant princess in the land of the little people. Once day, as a token of their gratitude, the munchkins put their savings accounts together and bought Arac a BRAND NEW CAR! It was an ice blue AIK, a well-known brand. arac2

 

Well, one of the not-so-friendly inhabitants got word of this and grew extremely jealous of Arac and her AIK named JEAN BARBARA. This mean person was Ylime.ylime

 

Ylime, known as the “Bucket of Mystery” Ylime, was so mad that she ripped off the passenger door handle of Arac’s car.ARACYLMIE

 

THE END.

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I am going to win an Emmy!

One of my friends ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend…

(wtf am I doing with my life? Um… Nothing. And that’s the way uh-huh uh-huh, I like it)

…and while she was there she was one of the extras in the Indiana Jones ride production of Indiana Jones! She had a line and everything!

While I was super excited for her, once she started talking about the Director of the production, all I could think about was said Director.

Who is she? Was this her childhood aspiration? Did she end up here out of complete failure and humiliation? Are her parents proud of her? Do they even know that this is what 4 years at that Artsy Fartsy school paid for?!

Well… In my head… The answer is a resounding NO.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Obviously I can’t use Disney… So I will have to get creative with the names and places…

Let me set the scene for you:

*Sad Director of “Wonderland Studios” arrives home in her $50 per week trailer*

Penelope (nickname PeePee): Hey mom, yes, I got your message, so sorry I haven’t been able to call, I have just been SO BUSY with this big production!

She has been busy avoiding that phone bill.

Penelope: Oh, mom NO. NO. I can’t send you tickets and NO. You can’t buy tickets, this production of Finding Leonard Nemoy is SOLEY EXCLUSIVE to the 1% right now. I know it’s not necessarily right, but it’s where the money is at, and somebody’s gotta pay for this rockin’ 4 bedroom house that I bought in this Emo-Chic Hipster neighborhood (that totally paved paradise to put up a parking lot for them to protest about how we are murdering the Rain Forest on) at 180% over asking price because that’s what those annoying fuckers do!

…Sorry… I got off topic.

Penelope: Anyways mom, I’ll ttyl, my 6″5 hunk of a boyfriend who is totally proposing to me this fall is here and I need to get back to my active, athletic and totally happenin’ sex life now. No, you can’t come next month, they’re spraying for bugs. Yes, the whole month. Hipsters, what are ya gonna do? AMIRIGHT? Love you, IMTOTALLYSUCCESSFUL, byeeeee!

*PeePee has a flashback to today’s events*

Dew Drop: PEEPEEEEEE!!!! WHERE IS PEEPEE!?!?!??! ONE OF THE MOTHERS ON THE RIDE JUST BROKE INTO MY DRESSING ROOM AND CHANGED THE SHIT DIAPER OF A SCREAMING MONSTER BABY. AHHHHHHSKJHSJKF. HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM UNDER THESE CONDITIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’M CALLING MANAGEMENT. SOMEBODY GET ME MANAGEMENT’S DIRECT LINE.

*Some background on the situation*

Dew Drop is a 40-something striving to be 20-something failed actress with the worst possible personality you could ever come across. Her real name is Cathandra, but she changed it to Dew Drop to keep up with the weird name trend that seems to have taken hold. (North West, Apple, Paper Plate, etc.)

Her “dressing room” is the Family Restroom at the show, she claimed it since it was the only restroom with a lock. Hence… Mother changing the understandably fussy baby with the poopy diaper.

Aaaaaand Management… Ahh, yes. Management… Also known as Earl, the manager of the rides on that this side of the park… He doesn’t have a phone. He has a walkie-talkie. They usually just give her the Comcast customer service line and she just sits on hold for days until she forgets what she was calling to bitch about and hangs up.

So yes… I think you get the idea… BOOM. You’re welcome, world.

 

Cheap Wine Analysis #SundayFunday

I decided to try this 1.5L Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon wine that I found at Kroger.

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Not because I have heard anything great about it… But Bc it was in a huge 1.5L bottle, only $6.99 and payday is this Friday so I’m pinching pennies! #adulting

Current mood:

…and I’m not even single.

#dontnobodyknowyoulikeYOU

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So let’s try out this thrifty wine!

1st sip:
Abomination. This is NOT. Cabernet… But it IS $7 for 1.5L of alcohol and one lady online said she let it “open up first” so… I’m keeping the dream alive.

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*Full credits of New Girl have gone by*
AKA 3-4 mediumish sips…

I take back my initial “Abomination.” verdict. It could be that I’m feeling that initial wave of, “OHHHHHHYEAHHHHHHHHH” koolaid man style… But it’s not… Completely… Unbearable.

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The top glass is now empty… It makes a beautiful *glugGlugGlug* sound every time I take a sip now… The beauty of the wine bottle glass.

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This wine still doesn’t taste FANTASTIC… But I feel fantastic… And it’s not awful, so I’m pretty happy right now.

Schmidt just told Cece he is cheating on her with Elizabeth… And I’m not even sad about it… Bc I am IN THE ZONE with this #sundayfunday cheap wine.

FullSizeRender(16)Scuttlebutt is being a bit Judge Judy about the situation, but she’s not the boss of me.

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**BURRITO & WATER BREAK**

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A responsible #sundayfunday consists of constant food and staying hydrated. An adult knows when they need to take a pause before continuing the journey to Margaritaville.

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After a slight headache (thanks cheap wine) a nice, big water chug and a 15 min nap, I’m back on top on the world and ready to continue this adventure with my cheap wine!

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I’m right above the “Finally!” on my glass… It’s getting difficult to keep pace… There is definitely a reason why this wine is so cheap.

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Caught my second wind… Nailed some hilarious SnapChats… Just played a mini game of waterfall with myself. (this version of waterfall is chugging through the show’s starting credits)

This wine is off the Naughty List and back on the Nice List!

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I’m really proud of myself for not needing a resolution for 2016 (winning the lottery doesn’t count)
I’m happy with the way I am.

Mostly.

Most of the time.

95%…

80% of the time.

I’m happy right now. #livinginthenow

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I’m thinking Italiano for dinner tonight… My significant other wants to spend the evening watching the game… I’m becoming more and more okay with it.

The wine is doing its job.

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Down to the final stretch… I am D R Y B K.
That spells drunk.

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A couple sips to go until my final, fancy pants analysis.

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The name of my future biography has been nailed down:
“Pour Yourself a Wine Bottle Glass and DEAL WITH IT.”

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I did it. It’s done.

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Final analysis:
I will NEVER drink this wine again. It’s for peasants.

Can you make spaghetti without boiling noodles? I don’t trust myself with hot water right now… Maybe I can just pour some sauce on some dry noodles and stick it in the microwave. I will let you know the final results of that masterpiece.

Also, I want to open a bar.

A Plague on Both Your Houses

Cold. Flu. Stomach bugs.

Happy New Year Peasant Workers!

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The Empire has been back at work for 4 DAYS and we are already in crisis. Some maniacal scheme has been set in motion and has taken out 3 of our best already! 4 DAYS INTO THE FREAKING NEW YEAR AND I HAD TO USE A SICK DAY!!!!

This is why I am here today… Dying. Sanitizing. Checking WebMD for deadly illnesses. Looking up bridges I can live under. Imagining walking right up to Dictator Ass-Hat and announcing, “LOOK HERE! I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER! NO AMOUNT OF GALACTIC DOLLARS IS WORTH THIS. MY BRAIN IS TURNING INTO GOO. THE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS OF THIS SPACE STATION ARE KILLING ME!!!”

Coming back to reality… Is it possible to be tap into some crazy superpower when you’re sick and have the ability to slow time? I think I have accidentally slowed time down… I need to find the “undo” button.

You can’t get high on the daytime cold stuff, right? I am feeling Fruit Loops loopy.

I haven’t had wine in 2 days because I have been taking the night time cold medicine… I like to ease into my buzz… That stuff just hits you like a Mack truck and you’re out for 8-10 hours. It’s really starting to cut into my TV time.

My roommate went home with what looks like a stomach bug today… I told her to sanitize anything she touches and stay away from me. I do feel bad for her… But, I care about me more. (SorryNotSorry Shelbs!)

So you see? This is what I’m up against… GERMS at work and GERMS at home. I’m not safe ANYWHERE.