The Tale of Arac

Today I thought I would share a story written by a dear friend of mine… It had everything you could want in a story… Magic, intrigue, betrayal… It’s quite juicy.

So without further ado…

THE TALE OF ARAC

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a legend. Her name, was Arac. Arac was the talk of the land because all of the munchkins that lived there had never seen a girl that tall. arac1

 

They all idolized her. Arac was a giant princess in the land of the little people. Once day, as a token of their gratitude, the munchkins put their savings accounts together and bought Arac a BRAND NEW CAR! It was an ice blue AIK, a well-known brand. arac2

 

Well, one of the not-so-friendly inhabitants got word of this and grew extremely jealous of Arac and her AIK named JEAN BARBARA. This mean person was Ylime.ylime

 

Ylime, known as the “Bucket of Mystery” Ylime, was so mad that she ripped off the passenger door handle of Arac’s car.ARACYLMIE

 

THE END.

Do My Hands Smell Like Pee?

Dunna-nunna-nunna-nunna
CAT MOM!

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“Me llamo es Scuttlebutt”

This morning I had one of those moments where you realize you’re just a bit more mature than you thought you were.

I’m no wise woman… But when I noticed that my cat, Scuttlebutt, peed outside her litter box… I’m choosing to believe it wasn’t out of anger with me, but that maybe she inherited her mother’s fear of the dark and something startled her… I simply looked at it, looked at her, sighed, and grabbed some cleaning supplies. Didn’t get mad, or upset… Just.. “You know the drill sir!” and cleaned that shit up like a pro!

To give you an idea… I live in an apartment, and my closet is huge so I keep her litter in my closet on a far wall. (investing in heavy duty kitty litter is a must) so I have all these layers… I have a rubber layer square, then I place a raggedy towel over that, and I have this large rectangular plastic trap (really it’s a bin lid, but a girl’s gotta be thrifty) and I place her litter box on all of that with a pet walk up. When she manages to pee outside her box the plastic trap catches it and I am forced to remove the box carefully and clean the bottom, set it on another towel to dry… Take out the plastic trap completely and clean it in the shower, and if the towel has been there more than a month I switch it out, it doesn’t get dirty, I just imagine it can’t smell too good, idk. So this is a PROCESS… And I use to get SO upset when I had to do it! (this happens around once or twice a month)

BUT NOT TODAY, SATAN! I’M A GROWN UP NOW! #adulting

nottoday

I am going to win an Emmy!

One of my friends ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend…

(wtf am I doing with my life? Um… Nothing. And that’s the way uh-huh uh-huh, I like it)

…and while she was there she was one of the extras in the Indiana Jones ride production of Indiana Jones! She had a line and everything!

While I was super excited for her, once she started talking about the Director of the production, all I could think about was said Director.

Who is she? Was this her childhood aspiration? Did she end up here out of complete failure and humiliation? Are her parents proud of her? Do they even know that this is what 4 years at that Artsy Fartsy school paid for?!

Well… In my head… The answer is a resounding NO.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Obviously I can’t use Disney… So I will have to get creative with the names and places…

Let me set the scene for you:

*Sad Director of “Wonderland Studios” arrives home in her $50 per week trailer*

Penelope (nickname PeePee): Hey mom, yes, I got your message, so sorry I haven’t been able to call, I have just been SO BUSY with this big production!

She has been busy avoiding that phone bill.

Penelope: Oh, mom NO. NO. I can’t send you tickets and NO. You can’t buy tickets, this production of Finding Leonard Nemoy is SOLEY EXCLUSIVE to the 1% right now. I know it’s not necessarily right, but it’s where the money is at, and somebody’s gotta pay for this rockin’ 4 bedroom house that I bought in this Emo-Chic Hipster neighborhood (that totally paved paradise to put up a parking lot for them to protest about how we are murdering the Rain Forest on) at 180% over asking price because that’s what those annoying fuckers do!

…Sorry… I got off topic.

Penelope: Anyways mom, I’ll ttyl, my 6″5 hunk of a boyfriend who is totally proposing to me this fall is here and I need to get back to my active, athletic and totally happenin’ sex life now. No, you can’t come next month, they’re spraying for bugs. Yes, the whole month. Hipsters, what are ya gonna do? AMIRIGHT? Love you, IMTOTALLYSUCCESSFUL, byeeeee!

*PeePee has a flashback to today’s events*

Dew Drop: PEEPEEEEEE!!!! WHERE IS PEEPEE!?!?!??! ONE OF THE MOTHERS ON THE RIDE JUST BROKE INTO MY DRESSING ROOM AND CHANGED THE SHIT DIAPER OF A SCREAMING MONSTER BABY. AHHHHHHSKJHSJKF. HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM UNDER THESE CONDITIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’M CALLING MANAGEMENT. SOMEBODY GET ME MANAGEMENT’S DIRECT LINE.

*Some background on the situation*

Dew Drop is a 40-something striving to be 20-something failed actress with the worst possible personality you could ever come across. Her real name is Cathandra, but she changed it to Dew Drop to keep up with the weird name trend that seems to have taken hold. (North West, Apple, Paper Plate, etc.)

Her “dressing room” is the Family Restroom at the show, she claimed it since it was the only restroom with a lock. Hence… Mother changing the understandably fussy baby with the poopy diaper.

Aaaaaand Management… Ahh, yes. Management… Also known as Earl, the manager of the rides on that this side of the park… He doesn’t have a phone. He has a walkie-talkie. They usually just give her the Comcast customer service line and she just sits on hold for days until she forgets what she was calling to bitch about and hangs up.

So yes… I think you get the idea… BOOM. You’re welcome, world.