The Tale of Arac

Today I thought I would share a story written by a dear friend of mine… It had everything you could want in a story… Magic, intrigue, betrayal… It’s quite juicy.

So without further ado…

THE TALE OF ARAC

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a legend. Her name, was Arac. Arac was the talk of the land because all of the munchkins that lived there had never seen a girl that tall. arac1

 

They all idolized her. Arac was a giant princess in the land of the little people. Once day, as a token of their gratitude, the munchkins put their savings accounts together and bought Arac a BRAND NEW CAR! It was an ice blue AIK, a well-known brand. arac2

 

Well, one of the not-so-friendly inhabitants got word of this and grew extremely jealous of Arac and her AIK named JEAN BARBARA. This mean person was Ylime.ylime

 

Ylime, known as the “Bucket of Mystery” Ylime, was so mad that she ripped off the passenger door handle of Arac’s car.ARACYLMIE

 

THE END.

Shark Week

For this post, I decided it’s time to get real about the SUCK that is MENSTRUATION.

AKA.. Your Period… That time of the month… Aunt Flo… Shark Week… The Rag… Crimson Wave… Eve’s Punishment… “It’s you and your hand tonight, honey”… False Alarm… or my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE…”The reason you’re overreacting and being super sensitive.”

SO I JUST NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT, RIGHT?

LizLemon

Go suck a bag of dicks.

Menstruation: (men-STRAY-shuhn) is a woman’s monthly bleeding. When you menstruate, your body sheds the lining of the uterus (womb). Menstrual blood flows from the uterus through the small opening in the cervix and passes out of the body through the vagina (see how the menstrual cycle works below). Most menstrual periods last from 3 to 5 days.

That is the womenshealth.gov definition of our “SHARK WEEK”… They make it sound so tame and ladylike.

OH, BUT WAIT… IT GETS BETTER.

What is a typical menstrual period like?
During your period, you shed the thickened uterine lining and extra blood through the vagina. Your period may not be the same every month. It may also be different than other women’s periods. Periods can be light, moderate, or heavy in terms of how much blood comes out of the vagina. This is called menstrual flow. The length of the period also varies. Most periods last from 3 to 5 days. But, anywhere from 2 to 7 days is normal.

For the first few years after menstruation begins, longer cycles are common. A woman’s cycle tends to shorten and become more regular with age. Most of the time, periods will be in the range of 21 to 35 days apart.

Horse shit.

My Revisions to the FAQ section:

What is menstruation?
Well boys and girls, menstruation is when a female gains 10 pounds of water weight and bloats out like a Thanksgiving Day balloon all while World War 3 commences in her pants. OH. I ALMOST FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. If you ask ANY man walking down the street, they will also tell you that it makes us irrational monster bitches from the black lagoon.

 teacher from black lagoon

Hey buddy! Let me see you answer stupid fucking questions while WATERFALLS and BLOBS of blood are trying to escape your body.

I SAID GODDAMN BLOBSthe_blob

ON TOP OF THAT, the lady is having LITERAL contractions, no, not LABOR contractions, her uterus is contracting to shed the GODDAMN WALL OF BLOOD that has built up preparing to carry THE FUTURE OF THIS FUCKING COUNTRY.

You’re welcome, America.

What is a typical menstrual period like?
Your body is your temple, but it also takes any chance it can get to betray you in the worst possible way. Did you laugh a little bit too hard at that joke and feel a sudden “gush“?

CrazyEyes

Oh yeah.

This is why granny panties are a must, VS panties are too expensive to sacrifice to the Blood Gods.

FYI… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LET ON THAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ALL OF THESE AMAZING, HORRIBLE, MAKE YOU WANNA JUMP OFF A 10 STORY BUILDING THINGS. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE IT’S NOT HAPPENING. NO ONE MUST KNOW OR SUSPECT.

Top-SecretThis is TOP SECRET shit.

I just bled through my favorite pair of panties and have a goddamn towel in my pants, but don’t you worry. I’ll be sure to make sure YOU feel comfortable.  Let me just wrap this sweater around my waist like a 90’s boy band groupie and continue getting shit done for you while I bleed 10 more gallons of blood out of my vagina.

FUCK. YOU. #mood

—————————————————————————

Musical Inspiration:

I am going to win an Emmy!

One of my friends ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend…

(wtf am I doing with my life? Um… Nothing. And that’s the way uh-huh uh-huh, I like it)

…and while she was there she was one of the extras in the Indiana Jones ride production of Indiana Jones! She had a line and everything!

While I was super excited for her, once she started talking about the Director of the production, all I could think about was said Director.

Who is she? Was this her childhood aspiration? Did she end up here out of complete failure and humiliation? Are her parents proud of her? Do they even know that this is what 4 years at that Artsy Fartsy school paid for?!

Well… In my head… The answer is a resounding NO.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Obviously I can’t use Disney… So I will have to get creative with the names and places…

Let me set the scene for you:

*Sad Director of “Wonderland Studios” arrives home in her $50 per week trailer*

Penelope (nickname PeePee): Hey mom, yes, I got your message, so sorry I haven’t been able to call, I have just been SO BUSY with this big production!

She has been busy avoiding that phone bill.

Penelope: Oh, mom NO. NO. I can’t send you tickets and NO. You can’t buy tickets, this production of Finding Leonard Nemoy is SOLEY EXCLUSIVE to the 1% right now. I know it’s not necessarily right, but it’s where the money is at, and somebody’s gotta pay for this rockin’ 4 bedroom house that I bought in this Emo-Chic Hipster neighborhood (that totally paved paradise to put up a parking lot for them to protest about how we are murdering the Rain Forest on) at 180% over asking price because that’s what those annoying fuckers do!

…Sorry… I got off topic.

Penelope: Anyways mom, I’ll ttyl, my 6″5 hunk of a boyfriend who is totally proposing to me this fall is here and I need to get back to my active, athletic and totally happenin’ sex life now. No, you can’t come next month, they’re spraying for bugs. Yes, the whole month. Hipsters, what are ya gonna do? AMIRIGHT? Love you, IMTOTALLYSUCCESSFUL, byeeeee!

*PeePee has a flashback to today’s events*

Dew Drop: PEEPEEEEEE!!!! WHERE IS PEEPEE!?!?!??! ONE OF THE MOTHERS ON THE RIDE JUST BROKE INTO MY DRESSING ROOM AND CHANGED THE SHIT DIAPER OF A SCREAMING MONSTER BABY. AHHHHHHSKJHSJKF. HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM UNDER THESE CONDITIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’M CALLING MANAGEMENT. SOMEBODY GET ME MANAGEMENT’S DIRECT LINE.

*Some background on the situation*

Dew Drop is a 40-something striving to be 20-something failed actress with the worst possible personality you could ever come across. Her real name is Cathandra, but she changed it to Dew Drop to keep up with the weird name trend that seems to have taken hold. (North West, Apple, Paper Plate, etc.)

Her “dressing room” is the Family Restroom at the show, she claimed it since it was the only restroom with a lock. Hence… Mother changing the understandably fussy baby with the poopy diaper.

Aaaaaand Management… Ahh, yes. Management… Also known as Earl, the manager of the rides on that this side of the park… He doesn’t have a phone. He has a walkie-talkie. They usually just give her the Comcast customer service line and she just sits on hold for days until she forgets what she was calling to bitch about and hangs up.

So yes… I think you get the idea… BOOM. You’re welcome, world.

 

Cheap Wine Analysis #SundayFunday

I decided to try this 1.5L Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon wine that I found at Kroger.

IMG_2085

Not because I have heard anything great about it… But Bc it was in a huge 1.5L bottle, only $6.99 and payday is this Friday so I’m pinching pennies! #adulting

Current mood:

…and I’m not even single.

#dontnobodyknowyoulikeYOU

————————————-
So let’s try out this thrifty wine!

1st sip:
Abomination. This is NOT. Cabernet… But it IS $7 for 1.5L of alcohol and one lady online said she let it “open up first” so… I’m keeping the dream alive.

————————————-
*Full credits of New Girl have gone by*
AKA 3-4 mediumish sips…

I take back my initial “Abomination.” verdict. It could be that I’m feeling that initial wave of, “OHHHHHHYEAHHHHHHHHH” koolaid man style… But it’s not… Completely… Unbearable.

————————————
The top glass is now empty… It makes a beautiful *glugGlugGlug* sound every time I take a sip now… The beauty of the wine bottle glass.

FullSizeRender(14)

This wine still doesn’t taste FANTASTIC… But I feel fantastic… And it’s not awful, so I’m pretty happy right now.

Schmidt just told Cece he is cheating on her with Elizabeth… And I’m not even sad about it… Bc I am IN THE ZONE with this #sundayfunday cheap wine.

FullSizeRender(16)Scuttlebutt is being a bit Judge Judy about the situation, but she’s not the boss of me.

————————————-
**BURRITO & WATER BREAK**

FullSizeRender(15)

A responsible #sundayfunday consists of constant food and staying hydrated. An adult knows when they need to take a pause before continuing the journey to Margaritaville.

————————————-
After a slight headache (thanks cheap wine) a nice, big water chug and a 15 min nap, I’m back on top on the world and ready to continue this adventure with my cheap wine!

————————————-
I’m right above the “Finally!” on my glass… It’s getting difficult to keep pace… There is definitely a reason why this wine is so cheap.

FullSizeRender(13)

————————————-
Caught my second wind… Nailed some hilarious SnapChats… Just played a mini game of waterfall with myself. (this version of waterfall is chugging through the show’s starting credits)

This wine is off the Naughty List and back on the Nice List!

————————————-
I’m really proud of myself for not needing a resolution for 2016 (winning the lottery doesn’t count)
I’m happy with the way I am.

Mostly.

Most of the time.

95%…

80% of the time.

I’m happy right now. #livinginthenow

————————————-
I’m thinking Italiano for dinner tonight… My significant other wants to spend the evening watching the game… I’m becoming more and more okay with it.

The wine is doing its job.

————————————-
Down to the final stretch… I am D R Y B K.
That spells drunk.

IMG_2091

A couple sips to go until my final, fancy pants analysis.

————————————-
The name of my future biography has been nailed down:
“Pour Yourself a Wine Bottle Glass and DEAL WITH IT.”

————————————-
I did it. It’s done.

IMG_2095

Final analysis:
I will NEVER drink this wine again. It’s for peasants.

Can you make spaghetti without boiling noodles? I don’t trust myself with hot water right now… Maybe I can just pour some sauce on some dry noodles and stick it in the microwave. I will let you know the final results of that masterpiece.

Also, I want to open a bar.