I ADORE MINDY KALING AND YOU SHOULD TOO

Mindy is everything.

After spending the past 24 hours writing 2,500 words about how The Mindy Project challenges narrow media representations of gender, femininity and beauty you’d think I’d be sick of writing about her. You are mistaken! This post isn’t PR related in any way, shape or form – just simply me declaring my love for Mindy Kaling.

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During my research (which wasn’t really research – just me watching re-runs of my favourite TV Show and reading her interviews) I found this great excerpt from her book Why Not Me? published in Cosmopolitian.

If you have the time its worth a read and I promise I will be back to PR related posts now I’ve met my final deadline!

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Shark Week

For this post, I decided it’s time to get real about the SUCK that is MENSTRUATION.

AKA.. Your Period… That time of the month… Aunt Flo… Shark Week… The Rag… Crimson Wave… Eve’s Punishment… “It’s you and your hand tonight, honey”… False Alarm… or my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE…”The reason you’re overreacting and being super sensitive.”

SO I JUST NEED TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT, RIGHT?

LizLemon

Go suck a bag of dicks.

Menstruation: (men-STRAY-shuhn) is a woman’s monthly bleeding. When you menstruate, your body sheds the lining of the uterus (womb). Menstrual blood flows from the uterus through the small opening in the cervix and passes out of the body through the vagina (see how the menstrual cycle works below). Most menstrual periods last from 3 to 5 days.

That is the womenshealth.gov definition of our “SHARK WEEK”… They make it sound so tame and ladylike.

OH, BUT WAIT… IT GETS BETTER.

What is a typical menstrual period like?
During your period, you shed the thickened uterine lining and extra blood through the vagina. Your period may not be the same every month. It may also be different than other women’s periods. Periods can be light, moderate, or heavy in terms of how much blood comes out of the vagina. This is called menstrual flow. The length of the period also varies. Most periods last from 3 to 5 days. But, anywhere from 2 to 7 days is normal.

For the first few years after menstruation begins, longer cycles are common. A woman’s cycle tends to shorten and become more regular with age. Most of the time, periods will be in the range of 21 to 35 days apart.

Horse shit.

My Revisions to the FAQ section:

What is menstruation?
Well boys and girls, menstruation is when a female gains 10 pounds of water weight and bloats out like a Thanksgiving Day balloon all while World War 3 commences in her pants. OH. I ALMOST FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. If you ask ANY man walking down the street, they will also tell you that it makes us irrational monster bitches from the black lagoon.

 teacher from black lagoon

Hey buddy! Let me see you answer stupid fucking questions while WATERFALLS and BLOBS of blood are trying to escape your body.

I SAID GODDAMN BLOBSthe_blob

ON TOP OF THAT, the lady is having LITERAL contractions, no, not LABOR contractions, her uterus is contracting to shed the GODDAMN WALL OF BLOOD that has built up preparing to carry THE FUTURE OF THIS FUCKING COUNTRY.

You’re welcome, America.

What is a typical menstrual period like?
Your body is your temple, but it also takes any chance it can get to betray you in the worst possible way. Did you laugh a little bit too hard at that joke and feel a sudden “gush“?

CrazyEyes

Oh yeah.

This is why granny panties are a must, VS panties are too expensive to sacrifice to the Blood Gods.

FYI… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LET ON THAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ALL OF THESE AMAZING, HORRIBLE, MAKE YOU WANNA JUMP OFF A 10 STORY BUILDING THINGS. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE IT’S NOT HAPPENING. NO ONE MUST KNOW OR SUSPECT.

Top-SecretThis is TOP SECRET shit.

I just bled through my favorite pair of panties and have a goddamn towel in my pants, but don’t you worry. I’ll be sure to make sure YOU feel comfortable.  Let me just wrap this sweater around my waist like a 90’s boy band groupie and continue getting shit done for you while I bleed 10 more gallons of blood out of my vagina.

FUCK. YOU. #mood

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Musical Inspiration:

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Dew Drop’s life story up to now:

The day she was born, Dew Drop was destined to be awful. Just a shit stain on society.

She’s the Dark Lord Sauron to your hobbit. She’s the humidity to your newly straightened hair. She’s the dog shit on your brand new shoes. She’s the demon to your exorcism. THIS WOMAN… Is the worst.

On the day she was born, the biggest twister ever recorded in the history of the United States hit her home state of Alaska… The average number of tornadoes to hit the state of Alaska in the last 100 years is 1. That’s a fact. People in her hometown believe that the tornado was there to prevent Dew Drop from clawing her way into this world. Unfortunately, not even Mother Nature could keep that dragon out.

People still wonder to this day if she was summoned up from the bowels of Hell by the town drunk during one of his ramblings. (He is actually the local Roman Catholic Priest, his ramblings were Latin verses, she was born to a nice enough family, it’s just… she’s the worst.)

Angus and Franny Ferlover were a poor, but loving family. All they ever wanted was a child of their own to love and raise and cherish… Until they got her. Then, they wanted to send her back.

Dew Drop’s birth name is Cathandra Luci Ferlover, born June 6th of some year, no one is sure, 15 pounds 6 ounces (whoof).  With the big tornado tearing through Alaska, Franny had to give birth without the aid of modern medicine, she aged 20 years that day and ripped from her V to her A… This made her bitter. Very bitter.

When Angus realized what the ripping from the V to the A would mean for him… He too became bitter.

Cathandra cried constantly… but her cry wasn’t a normal, annoying baby cry… It was… a demon howl…. It would start with a deep gurgle, then transform into a screech, and finally land at a maniacal werewolf howl. The Ferlover’s had to move out of town because no one could get any sleep. Doctors had never seen anything like it.

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Obviously all of that was a ridiculous lie. Except the awful part. She is awful.

Cathandra Marigold Hoffman was born a normal, loud, adorable baby… To normal loving and supportive parents… Had a wonderful family dog… Lived in the suburbs of Vermont (still no tornadoes) and had a lovely upper-middle class childhood.

But so did Agatha Trunchbull.trunchbullI’m just sayin’.

Cathandra decided at the age of 16 that she was going to be a movie star… Her inspiration was Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

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She was in awe of Glenn Close’s character, the way she never gave up on a man… That wasn’t hers to begin with.

Your guy goes back to his wife? Call him CONSTANTLY. Show up at work. Show up at family outings. Tell him you are PREGNANT. (you’re not)

He called you a stalker and told you to leave him alone? Okay… Playing hard to get, but it’s just a small obstacle to overcome for love. Boil his family bunny.

Did that have the opposite effect of making him run into your arms? No problem. Don’t give up. It’s all about P E R S E V E R E N C E. You have to show up to his house all CRAZY TOWN and commit wholeheartedly to the murder suicide route! IF YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. NO ONE CAN.

That’s love.

And that’s how she felt about show business.

I forgot to mention that she fell asleep before the wife shot Glenn Close. So, in her mind, Glenn Close was the protagonist of that story.

FAST FORWARD 2 DAYS -> -> ->

With a dream in her heart and a sparkle in her eye Cathandra stole all the cash from her parent’s underwear drawer, left a note that said, “C U NEVR PORE PPL” on the kitchen counter, walked to a bus station and took the first bus to HOLLYWOOD!

The first thing she did when she arrived was spend most of her cash taking a cab to the HOLLYWOOD sign, “Oh GEE mister! Here’s 100 bucks! Take me to the Hollywood sign so I can become a STAR just like Glenn Close!”… She thought this was where all the famous people did their acting jobs and naturally, that’s where she needed to be for her big break.

After standing up there for 3 hours waiting for a famous director to come by and offer her a role in a movie, she realized that maybe this was the wrong place. She tried to walk back down, but was almost eaten by a Mountain Lion, the only reason she wasn’t was because a Nighttime Yoga by the Moon class that happened to be driving by.

Not much is known about Cathandra in the following year, I’m sure it’s a tragic tale of casting couches and angel dust, but I don’t really care.

FAST FORWARD 25 YEARS -> -> ->

Cathandra found herself broke and unable to book work.

She actually booked a Herpex commercial, the hot new herpes cream, but the money wasn’t good, and after that people only thought of her as Herpex girl.

Like many ImGonnaBeaMovieStarSoTheresNoPointInLearningAnyOtherLifeSkills women with the Hollywood dream, she was forced to turn to stripping to make ends meet, because there was absolutely no other choice… Accepting defeat and going home to finish high school or get a GED was simply ridiculous… Becoming a waitress and working a second job was out of the question, and DO NOT  even mention the possibility of signing up on http://www.JobsJobsandMoreNonStripperJobs.com** BC SHE IS ABOVE THAT. SHE IS AN ACTRESS.

**You have our 100% guarantee of finding a job that has nothing to do with the sex trade industry! KEEP YOUR DIGNITY. <<–Actual slogan.

Her stripper song was ‘I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman’, made famous by Britney Spears… Ironically, a woman who became a famous stripper of sorts.

One evening, the Producer of a new show called The Bachelor was in her club. She heard who he was from the bouncer and immediately  rushed over to his table to get some face time! “THIS IS IT!” She thought to herself!

Unfortunately for her, she was not a transvestite Asian named Kiko……… butttttttttt, unfortunately for him, she was fueled by the passion of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and secured footage of him in the club. (the wife who didn’t sign a pre-nup wouldn’t like that one bit… or maybe she would)

FAST FORWARD 3 MONTHS -> -> ->

If you ask around, all the stories are different… Some say it was an act of witch craft, the Producer says it was blackmail, and she says it was PURE TALENT, but Cathandra secured a spot on The Bachelor! She played the old, bitchy villain, a part that came to her naturally, and for 6 months she was ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

The world loves to hate a villain. villain
OMAROSA.

Until it ended. Of course she didn’t win. That would be crazy.

Her 15 minutes was up.

FAST FORWARD 6 MONTHS -> -> ->

Cathandra ends up at Wonderland Studios! No one knows how… The general consensus is that it was some old Native American curse that was set loose when they bought up the land  to expand Wonderland Studios. But, most likely it was that old Producer getting her the HELL out of his city. (one last favor to obtain the original copy of his wild night with Kiko).

Who knows. Who cares? All we know is that she has been there since.

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***I was exercising some major frustration with her backstory, if you were offended or confused in anyway… Then I did my job.

I am going to win an Emmy!

One of my friends ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend…

(wtf am I doing with my life? Um… Nothing. And that’s the way uh-huh uh-huh, I like it)

…and while she was there she was one of the extras in the Indiana Jones ride production of Indiana Jones! She had a line and everything!

While I was super excited for her, once she started talking about the Director of the production, all I could think about was said Director.

Who is she? Was this her childhood aspiration? Did she end up here out of complete failure and humiliation? Are her parents proud of her? Do they even know that this is what 4 years at that Artsy Fartsy school paid for?!

Well… In my head… The answer is a resounding NO.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Obviously I can’t use Disney… So I will have to get creative with the names and places…

Let me set the scene for you:

*Sad Director of “Wonderland Studios” arrives home in her $50 per week trailer*

Penelope (nickname PeePee): Hey mom, yes, I got your message, so sorry I haven’t been able to call, I have just been SO BUSY with this big production!

She has been busy avoiding that phone bill.

Penelope: Oh, mom NO. NO. I can’t send you tickets and NO. You can’t buy tickets, this production of Finding Leonard Nemoy is SOLEY EXCLUSIVE to the 1% right now. I know it’s not necessarily right, but it’s where the money is at, and somebody’s gotta pay for this rockin’ 4 bedroom house that I bought in this Emo-Chic Hipster neighborhood (that totally paved paradise to put up a parking lot for them to protest about how we are murdering the Rain Forest on) at 180% over asking price because that’s what those annoying fuckers do!

…Sorry… I got off topic.

Penelope: Anyways mom, I’ll ttyl, my 6″5 hunk of a boyfriend who is totally proposing to me this fall is here and I need to get back to my active, athletic and totally happenin’ sex life now. No, you can’t come next month, they’re spraying for bugs. Yes, the whole month. Hipsters, what are ya gonna do? AMIRIGHT? Love you, IMTOTALLYSUCCESSFUL, byeeeee!

*PeePee has a flashback to today’s events*

Dew Drop: PEEPEEEEEE!!!! WHERE IS PEEPEE!?!?!??! ONE OF THE MOTHERS ON THE RIDE JUST BROKE INTO MY DRESSING ROOM AND CHANGED THE SHIT DIAPER OF A SCREAMING MONSTER BABY. AHHHHHHSKJHSJKF. HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM UNDER THESE CONDITIONS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’M CALLING MANAGEMENT. SOMEBODY GET ME MANAGEMENT’S DIRECT LINE.

*Some background on the situation*

Dew Drop is a 40-something striving to be 20-something failed actress with the worst possible personality you could ever come across. Her real name is Cathandra, but she changed it to Dew Drop to keep up with the weird name trend that seems to have taken hold. (North West, Apple, Paper Plate, etc.)

Her “dressing room” is the Family Restroom at the show, she claimed it since it was the only restroom with a lock. Hence… Mother changing the understandably fussy baby with the poopy diaper.

Aaaaaand Management… Ahh, yes. Management… Also known as Earl, the manager of the rides on that this side of the park… He doesn’t have a phone. He has a walkie-talkie. They usually just give her the Comcast customer service line and she just sits on hold for days until she forgets what she was calling to bitch about and hangs up.

So yes… I think you get the idea… BOOM. You’re welcome, world.

 

Cheap Wine Analysis #SundayFunday

I decided to try this 1.5L Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon wine that I found at Kroger.

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Not because I have heard anything great about it… But Bc it was in a huge 1.5L bottle, only $6.99 and payday is this Friday so I’m pinching pennies! #adulting

Current mood:

…and I’m not even single.

#dontnobodyknowyoulikeYOU

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So let’s try out this thrifty wine!

1st sip:
Abomination. This is NOT. Cabernet… But it IS $7 for 1.5L of alcohol and one lady online said she let it “open up first” so… I’m keeping the dream alive.

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*Full credits of New Girl have gone by*
AKA 3-4 mediumish sips…

I take back my initial “Abomination.” verdict. It could be that I’m feeling that initial wave of, “OHHHHHHYEAHHHHHHHHH” koolaid man style… But it’s not… Completely… Unbearable.

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The top glass is now empty… It makes a beautiful *glugGlugGlug* sound every time I take a sip now… The beauty of the wine bottle glass.

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This wine still doesn’t taste FANTASTIC… But I feel fantastic… And it’s not awful, so I’m pretty happy right now.

Schmidt just told Cece he is cheating on her with Elizabeth… And I’m not even sad about it… Bc I am IN THE ZONE with this #sundayfunday cheap wine.

FullSizeRender(16)Scuttlebutt is being a bit Judge Judy about the situation, but she’s not the boss of me.

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**BURRITO & WATER BREAK**

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A responsible #sundayfunday consists of constant food and staying hydrated. An adult knows when they need to take a pause before continuing the journey to Margaritaville.

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After a slight headache (thanks cheap wine) a nice, big water chug and a 15 min nap, I’m back on top on the world and ready to continue this adventure with my cheap wine!

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I’m right above the “Finally!” on my glass… It’s getting difficult to keep pace… There is definitely a reason why this wine is so cheap.

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Caught my second wind… Nailed some hilarious SnapChats… Just played a mini game of waterfall with myself. (this version of waterfall is chugging through the show’s starting credits)

This wine is off the Naughty List and back on the Nice List!

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I’m really proud of myself for not needing a resolution for 2016 (winning the lottery doesn’t count)
I’m happy with the way I am.

Mostly.

Most of the time.

95%…

80% of the time.

I’m happy right now. #livinginthenow

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I’m thinking Italiano for dinner tonight… My significant other wants to spend the evening watching the game… I’m becoming more and more okay with it.

The wine is doing its job.

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Down to the final stretch… I am D R Y B K.
That spells drunk.

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A couple sips to go until my final, fancy pants analysis.

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The name of my future biography has been nailed down:
“Pour Yourself a Wine Bottle Glass and DEAL WITH IT.”

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I did it. It’s done.

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Final analysis:
I will NEVER drink this wine again. It’s for peasants.

Can you make spaghetti without boiling noodles? I don’t trust myself with hot water right now… Maybe I can just pour some sauce on some dry noodles and stick it in the microwave. I will let you know the final results of that masterpiece.

Also, I want to open a bar.

Caffeine Addict Time Out

COFFEEE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME.

I find that coffee helps me in a few ways…
1. Keeps me from stabbing people (mostly)
2. Helps keep me focused (even if it’s not on the item I’m supposed to be working on)

3. Makes my heart skip a couple beats (that lovey dovey feeling)

4. It’s a cheap high (being an adult means spending wisely)

5. Most importantly… It keeps me regular. POOPS ALL AROUND!

 

ALSO…. IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

SnapChat added a new pretty filter… The Primadonna in me is ECSTATIC.

A Plague on Both Your Houses

Cold. Flu. Stomach bugs.

Happy New Year Peasant Workers!

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The Empire has been back at work for 4 DAYS and we are already in crisis. Some maniacal scheme has been set in motion and has taken out 3 of our best already! 4 DAYS INTO THE FREAKING NEW YEAR AND I HAD TO USE A SICK DAY!!!!

This is why I am here today… Dying. Sanitizing. Checking WebMD for deadly illnesses. Looking up bridges I can live under. Imagining walking right up to Dictator Ass-Hat and announcing, “LOOK HERE! I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER! NO AMOUNT OF GALACTIC DOLLARS IS WORTH THIS. MY BRAIN IS TURNING INTO GOO. THE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS OF THIS SPACE STATION ARE KILLING ME!!!”

Coming back to reality… Is it possible to be tap into some crazy superpower when you’re sick and have the ability to slow time? I think I have accidentally slowed time down… I need to find the “undo” button.

You can’t get high on the daytime cold stuff, right? I am feeling Fruit Loops loopy.

I haven’t had wine in 2 days because I have been taking the night time cold medicine… I like to ease into my buzz… That stuff just hits you like a Mack truck and you’re out for 8-10 hours. It’s really starting to cut into my TV time.

My roommate went home with what looks like a stomach bug today… I told her to sanitize anything she touches and stay away from me. I do feel bad for her… But, I care about me more. (SorryNotSorry Shelbs!)

So you see? This is what I’m up against… GERMS at work and GERMS at home. I’m not safe ANYWHERE.